What is domestic, family and sexual violence?

Domestic, family and sexual violence is when someone tries to control, scare, intimidate or hurt you.

It is not just physical violence. It can be sexual, emotional, psychological, financial, cultural, or technology-facilitated abuse, stalking or coercive control.

It is often a pattern of behaviour and can involve threats, intimidation, manipulation, humiliation and violence.

The only person responsible for harmful behaviour is the person who uses it.

These behaviours are against the law and can be reported to police.

coercive control
physical violence
sexual violence
emotional, verbal or psychological abuse
social abuse
technology assisted abuse
financial abuse
stalking and harassment
spiritual abuse
disability abuse

CLICK ON EACH BEHAVIOUR TO FIND OUT MORE

Coercive control is when someone does things to control you. Coercive control can look different for everyone and is an ongoing pattern of behaviour used to hurt, scare, punish or control you.

It can include threats, humiliation, intimidation, monitoring, isolation or restricting independence and freedom. It can build over time and may be hard to recognise.

Examples of coercive control include:

stopping or limiting you from seeing, speaking with or communicating to friends, family or your community
taking away your basic needs like food, medication or sleep
monitoring or tracking movements, phone use or online activity
controlling your daily life, such as where you go, who you see, what you wear or when you sleep
stopping or limiting medical care, counselling or support services
repeatedly criticising, humiliating or degrading you
taking your important documents like passports
threatening your visa status or ability to stay in Australia

People experiencing coercive control may feel:

like they are “walking on eggshells”
that they are unable to say no or disagree
scared of reactions
isolated or dependent
unsure whether the behaviour is abuse or violence

Physical violence is when someone causes you physical harm, injury or threatens to hurt you. This might include:

hitting, punching, kicking or pushing
spitting on someone
choking or applying pressure to the neck
using objects or weapons
burning or using fire to intimidate
punching walls or breaking property
locking someone in or out of a space
preventing sleep, food or medication
forcing drugs or alcohol
threats or actions that create fear of harm

Sexual violence is any sexual activity that happens without clear, free and ongoing consent.

Sexual consent is when you freely choose to agree to do anything sexual with someone. It also means you and the other person understand and feel safe with what happens.

Consent must be given freely and is not valid if someone is pressured, scared, manipulated or unable to choose freely.

Sexual violence includes:

rape or sexual assault, including unwanted sexual touching or kissing
sexual harassment
sexual activity when someone can’t consent (for example, they are asleep or drunk)
using force, threats, guilt or manipulation to get someone to agree to sexual acts
forcing sex with others or forcing into sex work
forcing someone to watch or engage in sexual acts
degrading or violent sexual behaviour
forcing or manipulating someone into pregnancy
controlling access to contraception
knowingly transmitting a sexually transmitted infection
image-based abuse such as sharing or threatening intimate images without consent

This includes behaviours that harm your emotional wellbeing, confidence or sense of reality. This can be with or without using physical violence, or the threat of physical violence. This might include:

intimidation, yelling or abusive language
humiliation or emotional blackmail
threats to harm you or your loved ones, including pets
threats to share your private information without your consent
being mean to you or calling you names
stopping you from making your own choices
stopping you from seeing friends, family or community
ignoring you
dangerous or reckless behaviour to scare you
gaslighting or manipulation

Social abuse is when someone controls your relationships, communication or social life. It aims to cut you off from your friends, family, community or culture. This might look like:

stopping your contact with friends, family or community
stopping you going to social or cultural activities
controlling where you go and with who
controlling phone, internet or communication access
monitoring or blocking your contact with others
spreading lies to damage your reputation
embarrassing or manipulating you in public

Technology-facilitated abuse is abuse that happens online or through technology. Technology can include a mobile phone, tablet, laptop or computer. It can also occur via the internet or apps. Perpetrators use these digital tools to control, monitor or harass you. This might include:

monitoring your messages, emails or online activity
using your accounts or devices without permission
tracking your location using apps or GPS
constant unwanted messaging or contact
sending abusive or threatening messages
sharing or threatening to share private images without your consent
using spyware, cameras or smart devices to monitor you
stopping your use of devices or the internet
hacking or impersonating accounts

Financial abuse is when someone uses money to control you or controls your money. It is often part of coercive control and can limit your independence and access to basic needs. This might look like:

someone keeping your money
controlling your income or hiding financial information
stopping your access to money or bank accounts
monitoring or controlling spending
getting a loan or making debt in your name
using your money or property without permission
selling your belongings without consent
stopping you from working

Stalking and harassment involve repeated unwanted contact, monitoring or surveillance that causes fear or distress. This might include:

following or watching you
repeated unwanted calls, messages or contact
turning up uninvited at your home, work or social places
sending you unwanted gifts
monitoring your movements with technology
spying on you

This is when a person uses their and/or your spiritual beliefs, religion or culture to control, intimidate or hurt you. This might include:

stopping your religious or cultural practices
not letting you go to places of worship or community
not letting you go to Country, kin or family
shaming or making fun of your beliefs
forcing marriage, religious or cultural practices
justifying violence or control with spiritual beliefs, religion or culture
stopping you from accessing medical care or support based on spiritual beliefs, religion and culture

This is when someone uses a person’s disability, illness or care needs to control or hurt them. It can occur in any relationship, including your carer. This could include:

withholding or damaging equipment
not letting you access medical care or communication support
controlling or stealing your money
sexual abuse during care
demanding sex for support
stopping or misusing your medication or pain relief
creating unsafe living conditions
withdrawing or stopping you from getting help with daily activities
isolating you from support networks
being mean to you due to disability or health

What can this look like in a football community?

What can domestic, family and sexual violence look like in a football community?

Domestic, family and sexual violence can be hard to see from the outside. It does not always look like a crisis, injury or conflict. Instead, you may notice changes in someone’s behaviour, the way another person treats them, or patterns that build over time.

In a football community, this might involve a player, parent, carer, partner, family member, coach, volunteer, staff member or supporter.

Not every sign means that someone is experiencing violence. But if something does not feel right, it is okay to notice it, take it seriously and seek advice.

SIGNS SOMEONE MAY BE EXPERIENCING HARM

Someone may be experiencing harm if they:

seem unusually anxious, withdrawn, or scared around someone
stop coming to training, games, club events or social activities without explanation
regularly appear upset after phone calls, messages or contact with someone
seem worried about getting home late, missing a call or spending money
have injuries or frequent explanations that don’t seem to match what you are noticing
are often watched, followed, interrupted or spoken over by someone
appear to have little control over their own time, transport, money, phone or social contact
seem isolated from teammates, friends, family or support networks
are pressured to leave quickly after games or not allowed to stay and connect with others
appear embarrassed, humiliated or quiet after being put down by someone
seem worried that asking for help will make things worse for them, their children, family or community

SIGNS SOMEONE MAY BE USING VIOLENCE OR CONTROL

Behaviours that may suggest someone is using violence or control

A person using violence or control may not always appear aggressive in public. They may seem charming or well-liked, but behave differently in private. Someone using violence or control may have a pattern of behaviour, such as trying to control, scare, isolate or shame another person.

This may look like someone:

always checking where another person is, who they are with, or why they haven’t replied
monitoring phone calls, messages, social media, location settings or online activity
deciding whether someone can attend training, games, events or social activities
controlling transport, money, uniforms, equipment, fees or access to a phone
speaking for the person, interrupting them, correcting them or not letting them answer questions
putting them down in front of others
yelling at them in front of others, even if it seems like direction or trying to motivate them
making threats to harm themselves, the person, children, pets, family members or property
using jealousy or “protectiveness” to justify controlling behaviour blaming the person for their own behaviour, anger or use of violence
using children, family, culture, religion, visa status, disability, sexuality or community reputation to pressure or control someone
repeatedly showing up at training, matches, workplaces or social events to watch, intimidate or confront them
trying to get information about the person through others
making complaints, spreading rumours or damaging someone’s reputation
refusing to respect boundaries after a separation, including repeated contact, stalking or turning up uninvited

TRUST YOUR CONCERN

You don’t need to prove that violence is happening to someone before you respond with care.

Avoid confronting the person you’re worried may be using violence. It may not be safe for you to confront them, and it can sometimes increase risk for the person experiencing harm. It is better to seek specialist advice before you decide what to do.

What is domestic, family and sexual violence?